Dear Sisters and Friends,
Wow, what a time we are having here in the United States — and it is rippling throughout the world.
As a U.S. citizen, my apologies to our planet that we have allowed the U.S. to slide so close to fascism. It seems unbelievable that this is happening, but here we are.
I choose to remain hopeful that we will pull through to a better place. By the day, awareness is growing, momentum building about how precious it is to have a voice in decisions that impact our lives. Democracy 2.0 will emerge from the ashes. Please join me in this visualization. Attention (plus whatever action you can muster) is powerful.
I haven’t posted on this blog for a number of weeks because I have been hard at work on my upcoming book
COLLABORATIVE HARDBALL: Using the Power of a New Negotiation as Women to Change the World
Publication is on track and it should be in bookstores in the fall! Yay. Stay tuned.
The inspiration for today’s post came when I was re-working a subsection of the book entitled: “The Feminine, The Masculine, The Patriarchal”.
I had a eureka moment when I noticed how difficult it was to articulate the qualities of the masculine that are separate from the patriarchal. They seemed so conflated. I suspect there's a lot of confusion around this -- for men, for women, for people, and because of that confusion, we get men like Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Vladimir Putin.
Macho autocrats somehow believe that being a man, being truly masculine is really about being patriarchal. A ‘big’ man means being a dominator. Donald Trump's “make America great again” (MAGA) movement is really about making America more masculine again, making things less soft, less empathic, less feminine. ‘We will dominate, we will control the future by our force and manifest destiny.’
Putin is telling women in Russia to forgo their education and careers and to prioritize having many children, stay home and make borscht. Though most women resist, Putin provides national rewards for baby makers in order to refill the ranks of soldiers he is losing in his wars of domination and aggression. He embraces white Christian patriarchy and vilifies LGBTQ people. I can see why Putin and Trump are friends: they both are terrified of the feminine, and of women. If they are not dominating and making war then what is their role, what is their purpose?
Of course, there are plenty of women who rally around men like Trump and Putin. Patriarchy would not exist without the complicity of women. Patriarchy elevates emotionally immature men and then asks women to take care of them like mothers.
So, what are the qualities of the masculine and the patriarchal. Here is a quote from the book (that also describes the feminine).
Joseph Campbell, now-deceased professor of comparative mythology and comparative religion has said “woman is life and man is the protector of life”. 26 I certainly know from my own experience how great it was to have a supportive husband when I was walking around with a baby weighing in at 10-pounds (about 4.5 kilos) that I had to pass through my legs!! It’s a vulnerable feeling.
All humans embody masculine and feminine qualities to varying degrees, but patriarchy has been hell bent on a mission to rigidify them. While there are no absolute definitions of the feminine, the masculine, the patriarchal, here is what I have deduced from various conversations, sources, presentations, and my own observations. 27
The Feminine
Qualities of the feminine stem from our biological role as the originators and creators of life, the egg producers, mothers, the ones who carry and birth babies. The feminine includes caring, nurturing, being empathic, relational, supportive, compassionate and kind. It values love (Venus), connection, communication, beauty, vulnerability, intimacy, and pleasure. The feminine is closely aligned with nature; it is creation and life-force energy. It is circular, not hierarchical. When it comes to conflict and negotiation, the feminine values collaboration, listening, a need-based v. a power and rights-based focus, highlighting common ground, respect for difference and diversity (because that is like nature), inspiring creativity, long-term, wholistic, systemic thinking that benefits future generations.
The Masculine
Qualities of the masculine stem from men’s biological role as the protector of life, the one who ‘brings home the meat’. Masculine qualities include strength, speed, independence, assertiveness, action, leadership, resilience, task and goal-orientation. Values include logic, rationality, efficiency, practicality (building and fixing things), focused and linear, competitiveness, playfulness, protectiveness. Masculinity is hierarchical (pyramids) v. circular. When it comes to conflict and negotiation, the masculine values application of rights and rules to resolve differences and splitting the difference.
It is important to understand that the masculine and patriarchy are not the same thing. Nonetheless, the close connection between them has been confusing to many men and people, and in recent decades, either inspired an exploration of a healthier understanding of masculinity, or a doubling-down on patriarchy.
The Patriarchal
Qualities of the patriarchal stem from the desire of some humans to dominate and make war, to hyper-differentiate between the masculine and the feminine, and to make the roles of male and female, men and women more rigid and more suitable for domination and war. Patriarchy shapes men into warriors so they can go off and fight and women to keep the home fires burning when they do. (Interestingly in Wikipedia Mars, the God of War and masculine are the same.)
Beliefs include ‘might-makes-right’, the ends justify the means, the masculine is superior, women are the weaker sex, God is male, homosexuality and trans are sins. Men should dominate in the home, at work and in the world and women should submit, be silent, ‘sugar and spice’, codependent, sexually available as needed, and not confront men.
Values include ‘nose to the grindstone’, work harder, faster and better, suck it up. Profit and individual gains are the goal, not the common good. Production is more important than relationships, connection or intimacy,
Behaviors include heightened individualism, go it alone, aggression, emotionally walled-off, mean, selfish, extractive, predatory, “drill baby drill”, rape.
When it comes to conflict and negotiation, while the feminine and the masculine might value partnership, the patriarchal is all about power over, zero-sum, domination.
Like many of us, I have been feeling angry and scared these days.
If men are supposed to be the ‘protectors of life’, then why, as this hyper-masculine regime takes over my country, am I feeling MORE UNSAFE THAN I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY DECADES OF EXISTENCE.
I am angry at those men who have not been able to distinguish the masculine from the patriarchal and are instead dominating the feminine, dominating women, POC, LGBTQ people, and wrecking the planet for their own greed and desire to feel ‘on top’ of the heap.
I am angry at some of the men from my family of origin who align with the oligarchy that is tearing apart the American system of government for their own enrichment. These men hide behind their riches and false safety. They only look up towards those who have more than they, and not down at those who are suffering.
And, I am angry at our local oligarch here (they are everywhere of course), who feels that it's OK to destroy irreplaceable parts of nature because our unjust laws have allowed him to accumulate enough wealth to do so along with his false empowerment to feel that his vision should prevail.
I listened in horror the other day to the author of A Well-Trained Wife talk about her escape out of Christian patriarchy. If you want to understand the Christian patriarchal branch of extremism that is driving the U.S. coup, she said, you just need to look at what they consider the ideal family structure. Not only is the wife completely subservient to her husband in all ways, but husbands are encouraged to “spank” their wives when they do not behave. I kid you not. The word “spank” has been ringing in my ears.
On Tuesday, I have an interview scheduled with “Social Security” the arm of my government that provides retirement benefits. (Yup, getting to that age.) But now, I’m not sure that interview will happen because the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, is slashing the U.S. government with his chain saw and ripping apart the social safety net. Like I said, I have never felt more unsafe or unprotected in my life. It is infuriating.
Two of the people I love most in the world are men, my son and my sweetheart. What I notice and love about them both is their ongoing work to integrate the masculine and the feminine, and their awareness of patriarchy. My sweetheart considers himself a Jungian (Jung was so ahead of his time, and was not afraid to point out that it is more of the feminine that we need. See e.g.)
One of my biggest insights from my growth is that I’ve intentionally malnourished my masculine parts because I was conflating masculinity with patriarchy, and I so desperately wanted to not be a harmful man. . . when in reality to feel like a full human, I need to give life to the fullness of my masculine and feminine. That is my path to feeling balanced and joyous.
A millennial male colleague, March 2025
It's a scary time. Patriarchy fosters violence from the masculine and works to suppress the feminine. I am very grateful to all of the wonderful and smart people who are finding the courage these days to evolve themselves and to speak out. I hope I continue to do the same.
Stay strong,
Invitation to reflect . . .
Are people confused about the difference between the masculine and the patriarchal? Are you? What do you see? Please post on this blog or email your thoughts.
p.s. My publisher and I are currently designing the book cover for COLLABORATIVE HARDBALL. Please share ideas, if you have any.
ppss. Check out the World Women Summit: Soaring Together, Elevating Feminine Power from the Pocket Project. Instead of listening to toxic legacy media, you can listen here to interview after interview of amazing women doing amazing work.
Prefer to listen? Just press the play button above.
I hope and trust that you are right that this government is facing growing resistance, which will result in a humanist revival. Thank you so much for your clear thinking in this post.
This is huge Susan, a big thank you!